Yesterday at “Wiggle Worms” I was surprised to learn, yet again, how similarly different parenting is. I use this oxymoron because although “every star is different and so is every child” there are so many instances that connect parents particularly mothers. My husband can never understand how I can sit on the phone to a friend for almost an hour and talk about the similarities of our situations (her son is only two weeks older than mine) and not be totally bored. Of course I respond with one of my mother’s many notable quotables: bored people are boring. This sidesteps an attempt to explain the unexplainable. I don’t know why we can talk for hours about our everyday experiences as if it’s the latest must- see movie. It’s just what connects us mothers and also convinces us that we’re either doing a great job  in comparison to others or not enough.

The topic of yesterday’s “mothering murmurs” was how Dads mostly get the no nonsense, go to sleep monsters and we get the winy, wakeful angels.  I remember in my pre-marriage days (yes I can still remember those) a young mother saying that when her husband looked after her kid, the husband could get work done, have a shower, mow the lawn, watch telly, you name it- yet when mummy’s home she’ll be lucky to put her bag down as she enters the door.

The fault does lie with us, doesn’t it? Children know they can use guilt with us whereas they know their fathers know no such thing. That’s a joke. I have a wonderful husband and don’t like to boy banter. (So I do it subtly with jokes. Hehe) The example that was shared at this music class was how the child wakes up constantly when the mother puts her down but when the father comes to town/ nursery, she sleeps. No problem. I know her pain because I have had a similar situation. Fortunately my husband came to the rescue and I could sleep- actually, we all could then. My darling toddler knows somehow that if he just cries one more time there’s a chance with mom, that “she’ll feel bad and give me one last cuddle/ sip of juice/bottle fill. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S EXHAUSTED AND SHE’LL PRACTICALLY DO ANYTHING JUST TO HAVE REST- MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. ”

Raise your hand all of you who agree. Those who have never experienced this problem, quietly exit this page- no comments are required because we don’t want to know your lack of problem exists. Lastly, lets salute those who do it on their own and don’t have the option of dad saving the day! SALUTE!

What I have learned in a year…

The Early Days…

• Having your waters break for the first time brings on the strangest wave of emotion and it feels like you and your husband are the only human beings that count at that moment- you know something great is about to happen.
• Contractions are indescribable.
• You can hold still for an epidural.
• Epidurals are wonderful.
• Caesars aren’t as bad as I imagined.
• Your Gynae becomes part of the family for a moment.
• No matter what gunk you see on your freshly born child- he’s beautiful.
• The hospital stay is not as happy as being at home- and here I asked for an extra day in the hospital which was not the greatest idea.
• Being a mother is like a day in England: you can have all seasons in one day… serenity, anger, calm, irritation.
• Breastfeeding really takes work!
• Somehow you cope with very little sleep.
• It’s never to early to start teaching.
• Sometimes you can’t fight the desire to be superwoman: beds made, dishes done, dinner on the table, newborn baby peaceful but…you need to take the next day off to recover.
• You love it when people stop to admire your little one.
• Sometimes Dad just has to take over- you haven’t failed as a result!
• Your body is not the most comfortable outfit. It just doesn’t seem your size.
• Being outdoors is great therapy.
• You photograph everything.
• Your baby loves you! Can’t do without you! YOU!

After the early days:

• People forget you’re still new at this.
• Although life has changed, it’s still life and it’s pretty cool!
• You start having fun with your little critter.
• Baby starts showing great love for his dad- he’s allowed too!
• You want to put every other sick child in quarantine.
• Your baby will live if he eats grass, sand and dog food.
• You don’t have to begin feeding him on the day of 6 months. Babes survive even if it’s before or after.
• Your cupboards are never going to be the same again.
• You take photos a lot.
• Your heart feels warm frequently!
• It’s difficult making a sandwich with one hand, but you learn.
• Sometimes the moaning is just too much- GRRRRRR.
• Not all food must be mush for a baby to consume.
• Not all choking sounds need the Heimlich- babies are pretty good at dislodging food.
• The “What to Expect in the First Year” book series does not have all of the answers.
• People will always ask “why is he crying?”
• Some good answers to “why is he crying?”… he’s tired, I think he’s coming down with something and my personal favourite, I don’t know!
• You can be very much in love with your husband and be a mother- they both take time and effort.

The Mobile Days…

• Babies tick to their own mobile clock.
• You get a very good thigh-butt work out when he needs to hold your fingers to walk.
• No matter how much he loves walking, he still loves to be held.
• Just when you thought he couldn’t get any cuter…
• HELLO PERSONALITY!
• Disciplining starts sooner then you would imagine.
• Books, books and more books.
• Repetition, repetition, repetition.
• They’re so quick now, you often miss photo opportunities.
• I love routine.
• A break from routine is great!
• The outdoors is a great teacher.
• Everything that is up, must come down.
• I have eaten some really soggy things…hey, I want him to learn to share don’t I? It comes at a price.
• Dads are naturally fun- I bet that’s why we married them.
• It’s so natural to want to compare.
• You need reflexes like a cat.
• I prefer taking a break instead of needing a break.
• How did this happen…I’m a mother to an almost one year old!!!!!

I experienced my first out of home experience not too long ago; the lists making and stressing is still fresh in my mind. This wasn’t going to be a long trip- a couple of days but it seemed as though we would have one carry-on for our things and a suitcase for our baby. We were flying so there were no worries about entertaining our child for hours on end while traveling. Our little angel slept as we took off and the only trouble of the whole flight was when mom (that would be me) needed to use the dreaded little white bag kindly provided by all airlines as we descended.

Our accommodation on the other side had all that we needed. A bed, a cot, a kitchen etc. It had all that homely attributes but we couldn’t trick our little one into thinking this was a home away from home. The dictionary describes a holiday as: leisure time away from work devoted to rest or pleasure. Rest HAH! It was dark, it was warm but somehow our son knew that he was not in his own bed. Every hour our little angel woke. EVERY HOUR! Bless my husband for waking with me! That night, the rest of my holiday-less life flashed before me and I was ok with that in comparison to what we were currently experiencing. Night two was a little better and eventually by the time we were ready to go home, our boy was sleeping through again.

Ironic!

The children have been requesting a pet for some time now and my husband and I kept feeling it was too soon as we enjoy the freedom of not having to make arrangements for pets on our spur of the moment camping trips- but it was time.

We surprised the children this week with a puppy and a kitten. We are on day 3 now and it has been a very interesting experience. Firstly it is wonderful to watch the children fall so deeply in love with the animals and desire for them to be with them all the time (sounds like how I feel about the kids…most of the time) but then there has been the huge task of teaching them the rules of pets. This, I am learning is a wonderful opportunity to teach them some precious life lessons like; when you commit to love someone or something you just do what it takes to make it work; that you see things through and that love isn’t always about holding…or smothering, that you have to let them find their way, but stand just close enough to make sure they are ok.

My patience has been tested a good few times as my 2 year old has done things such as emptying the dustbin and placing the kitty and pup in it as he felt it a much more suitable home…or like today when I walked into the bathroom just in time before he was about to turn the tap on to: “give puppy a baff”.

I am not sure when the perfect time is to introduce pets to children, all I can say is that when my 8 month old nephew, who was born into a family of a mom, dad and dog, met our pets, he immediately responded with outstretched arms and familiar gestures. For now, our family feels a bit more complete with these cuties around and now hopefully we can keep working on that happily ever after part…

So, when finding out I was going to have a baby (yes, it wasn’t exactly a planed pregnancy), one of the many thoughts that ran through my mind was: “Ouch! That means I have to give birth?!”

I decided I was going to be prepared for this, and read all I could to learn about what was happening to my body and what was going to happen to me when giving birth. Any first-time-mom’s concern, right? I read all sorts of books; books about breast feeding, sleeping schedules, books about development and especially books about giving birth!  Then I was informed by a relative that ante natal classes helped her to get informed.  I decided to take it a step further and did the classes in my last trimester.

Man, we (the class members) were drilled about how breast milk is the best thing for your child, natural birth is the thing to do, and epidural was going to drug the baby and affect the sucking reflex. We were shown video clips of women who gave birth without any pain relieving drugs and told us that it was a womanly thing to do. She totally downplayed C-sections, scaring the thought from anyone’s mind who considered having a c-section.  After listening to the midwife talking about her view on things, I realised that it sounded like the thing to do.  She was very convincing and I made up my mind that I was going to do a natural birth without any pain relief. I even made a hospital plan on the way I’d like things to go down…

Later in the course of the ante natal class, I began to question a few things the midwife said and developed my own opinions on some of the other topics (but boy! She won me over with the birthing thing), only later sis I realise she didn’t do a very good job of remaining objective.

This is how my planned “natural” birth went down:

When time came and I was induced into labour (baby felt it wasn’t time to leave my “Oven” yet), I had to have an elective C-section (due to complications). You’d think that I’d be disappointed right?  Wouldn’t you?  Well, I was… for about 20 seconds.  Then I thought: “AAAH! Who gives a stuff! GIVE ME THE DRUGS and wheel me off to theatre already!”

So, I had an elective C-section, I enjoyed the drugs (the fact that I couldn’t feel the pain anymore) and loved the surgery even more! I don’t know what I was thinking trying to push my son through my “YOO-HOO”!  Ok, so plenty of women have done it the natural way, even without the pain killers.  I decided that that wasn’t for me!

Don’t get me wrong! Having a C-section is quite a big surgery. But it is defiantly not as bad as some make you think it is.

Moral of the story: don’t let other people convince you that there is a wrong and right way of giving birth. Be open minded to both possibilities, it could go down any way in the end. I learnt a lesson to apply that to anything I do with “Mothering”.

Ante natal classes were educational in many ways and the bonus was that my husband got to come. So he learnt what was happening to me and I guess it was nice for him to feel part of it all and I enjoyed the support.

Oh, and F.Y.I. the epidural didn’t affect my child’s sucking reflex…. It seemed to me that it turned him into a mini-1000 WATT vacuum machine! LOL

It hasn’t been long since my son was born so the day is still fresh in my mind. The images from that day have been looked at so frequently which is probably aiding keeping the memories fresh. Being one of those who tried it all- attempted natural, received oxytocin, eventually went with epidural because my “epidurance” was wavering, received more oxytocin and landed up with my emergency exit having to be used after many hours of labouring. The only thing missing from this birth equation is gas and a pethidine shot (which a friend assures me, I missed out on because the world is wonderful when looked at through the eyes of a pregnant “pethidinist”)

Caesar wound in hand, baby in the other arm, I marched (slowly) out of that hospital after realising I’d just done the most remarkable thing regardless of how he arrived. I know some choose C-sections and some who have given birth naturally don’t regard C-sections as childbirth but rather that the child gets pulled out, regardless I’m glad for modern medicine and its miracles or I, like many before me, may have died in childbirth. Sounds dramatic but true. Thank goodness for emergency exits!